Growth as a Dominant is an important topic but also very neglected.
When I was asked by a chat-friend about it my first reaction wasn’t very positive because usually, people think Dominants don’t need to grow anymore, after all they are the Experienced ones, right?
I do understand where it comes from, as a new Submissive you want somebody that actually knows what he is doing and when you were in such a relationship once, you usually don’t want to get back to “training” a Dominant… so it is hard to get into everything. (And at a later point I will write some guidance on how to overcome this hard entry as a new Dominant)
That all said – Growing as a Dominant is quite important! It makes you a better Dominant, it gives you more insight you can also use in your real life and it will make you happy and more confident.
Even I still grow and try hard to facilitate that as much as I can – I have it easy with that because one of my many kinks is that I get into the mindset of my submissives and try to understand them fully.
I like this kind of way and I like to play with the aspects of it. This means that I have to confront myself often with things my submissive belief and what I believe on a daily basis and that helps me to get to change my mind sometimes.
This is also not only limited to things play related – a lot of Submissives have taught me different viewpoints that I never considered before… here are some Key Points I learned:
Sub [MR] did teach me a lot about how relationships are seen differently by different people.
Sub [SD] was somebody who made me aware of how intense sessions can be and how much some people love unconventional approaches.
Sub [KO] taught me a lot about how Submissives manipulate their dominants and that it is always going on
Sub [NG] taught me how free spirits work and how to handle them once they want to be free.
Sub [J] taught me a lot about politics and viewpoints of the other side, convincing me of some even and making me believe in change
These are just some of the aspects I learned – I can’t even count everything because with all of these women I was in constant contact for months and years. I saw how they grew and what worked for them, did take part in all the cool and good but also sad and bad moments.
For me, that was always what BDSM and relationships were about – knowing each other and growing together.
If you are different you might need to consider different options but it is hard to find the right submissives for that.
See, growth is not something you can just “do” – you need somebody from the outside to trigger that growth. That can be that you get challenged in different ways or that your Submissive is consciously trying to push you in a certain direction (just as you push her)
But that is not really something a lot of Submissives do!
That has multiple reasons…
One is that submissives mostly push passively they are the support side of the dynamic. But growth requires first to set goals, so you need to set these goals for yourself so the submissive then can support you in reaching them.
Another one is that Submissives are not too motivated to actually push their Dominant in that way. Their benefit is only in the long term and only if they stay together…
It’s the same trap that Dominants are very often in where they have to decide if a relationship is just to satisfy sexual needs or if the goal is something higher…
I personally opt more often for the latter option but I also said in this Blog that I often regretted that decision because I invested time in the wrong person…
I often sum that up in what I call the “Princess Problem”
A lot of Submissives (not all) are only invested in their own advantage and don’t really invested in their Dominant other than what they get out for themselves.
This is often not obvious because Submissives drive on doing “everything™” for their Dominant, they strive to make a Dominant happy.
But this “everything™” is only as long as it doesn’t need any self-motivation or long-term commitment on their own that goes beyond their own satisfaction.
These Submissives usually want to be pressured to do something rather than just doing it. (This dynamic usually changes a bit if it is also a romantic relationship because stakes are then different and the long-term goal is more appealing to such Submissives as well)
I know I will get some bad comments for saying that, but it’s not really something uncommon… It is part of the submissive mindset not to bother (even Brats feel like that for non-sex related things) and part of that means they are not pushing in directions that make a person grow.
With somebody who plays´s only “receiver” you just don’t get a lot of “kicks”, you would need to grow.
So what is the solution? – Well being a Dominant and taking charge, as always…
If you have a long-term commitment with a submissive, sit down and plan with her on which things you should improve – either for being a better Dominant for her or in your life.
If you don’t have a long-term commitment you need to sit down for yourself or with another person and make a plan with goals. You the instruct your submissive to support you in reaching these goals.
Example: “You will remind me every morning to do my exercise and when I am not motivated you will try to motivate me”
Regardless if you are in this for the short term or the long term – ask your dominant what his goals are and how you can help to reach them. Don’t give up until s/he tells you what the plan is for the next weeks.