It is a common thing you get as advice when you enter the BDSM Scene – get a Support Network.
But what is a Support Network and should I think about how to build it?
Everybody has different needs and so the Support Network has to care for these needs.
For this article, I created a Method that should work for almost everybody without interfering with their individual needs.
The short answer is Yes, you should!
So let me try to explain why you should care about it, why you should put some thought and time into it and why so many recommend it.
A couple of months ago I was in dire need of a Support Network.
I isolated myself in the belief that was a good idea. I had multiple reasons for that kind of thinking – In a way, I just slid into this situation where I didn’t have contact with former Submissives, didn’t tell friends what was going on with me and so on.
At the time I made these decisions I wasn’t in need of a Support Network – I had [C] & [J] and they were all I would need (or so I thought).
If you read more than this article on this Blog, you probably know that [J] broke up with me – And because the relationship was between [J] , [C] and [Me] I didn’t have anybody who I could openly talk to who wasn’t involved in the whole situation and could give me a different perspective.
In the end, I would see that my thinking was flawed in that regard and so I would reach out to other people of the community.
I’m in the lucky position to know how to connect with people and especially who to trust.
This all helped me to re-evaluate the whole situation, what actually happened, what was said and thought and what the implications were.
My recovery time was therefore on a totally different timeframe then people initially expected and I’m now still sad that it ended but also know how I can avoid situations like that in the future.
Support Network Strategy
I hope my own Experience shows you how Important a Support Network can be. I would probably have needed a year or even more to recuperate on my own.
Now for your Support Network, you need different Points where you can talk openly with people and you need that these people don’t know each other.
So let me first explain what I mean with “Points”
A Point is a single person or a friend group where you can openly discuss problems you have in your relationships or with certain BDSM related challanges.
A point can’t be your Play- or Relationship-Partner or their best friends/family/co-workers because that would defeat the purpouse of the whole Strategy.
Now, this is important:
Points must be seperated from each other and your relationship – if they are not, you will feel reluctant to share any problems because you will doubt that they keep it a secret. – It is not about if they would do it or not, its about what you will think.
This is also why my strategy has different levels of connection. If you fear your friends could judge you, then you need somewhere else where you can go… and trust me on this: especially when you feel really down it can be really hard to open up to the closest people we have…
What do I mean with different Levels of connection?
With different levels of connection I mean how close these people should be too you. I explain in the strategy why that is important.
This is somebody from your friend circle or your family (if at all possible). The person has to be close to you and you should be able to talk about everything with that person in general.
Somebody from the scene – could be an Ex Dom/Sub or somebody you know from a Munch.
You will not share every little detail but a good chunk of your life.
This can be an Online Community which you find on Reddit, Discord or somewhere else.
Usually these are very loose, you find people you connect to and they might change from season to season.
The 3 Points – 3 Level Strategy
I absolutely know that you can’t just pick and choose where you find people you personally can connect to.
But this gives you an outline on which you can build your own individual Support Network on.
As the name suggests you need 3 independent points with 3 different levels of connection.
The Problem with support is never what the people around you actually think – it is about what you think.
If you have big trouble in your relationship and you think your friends would look down on you, you need somebody else to talk to or you will be on your own.
The same is true if you have problems with friends, family or other members of the community – if you have a partner you have somebody to go to, but even then you might want a second opinion or just somebody with a different angle.
That’s where your other Points and Levels come in.
For general questions and thinking about big picture mode, you can always go to your communities without any fear people could look down on you. If all goes bad you can just change your name or the community. –
So, I hope these lines help you and if you are in need of some help from a stranger then you find on the top of the page a Link to my “Ask me Anything” Form.