As awful as the munch yesterday was so had it a couple of discussions I liked.
One particularly long discussion was between some more mature (i don’t want to say “old” 😉 ) people about having a love relationship and a D/s relationship.
The consense between the 5 people there was that your Dominant can’t be your love partner and vice versa and to a degree, I understand why they say this.
I try to explain this with the Example given by the Submissive:
My love partners till now always were Dom in the beginning but over time lost that because the daily routine made it impossible to keep me down at the right times and lift me up on others. If I am stressed from work and he is stressed from work, play isn’t really possible but I need to feel the control or I get unhappy
I know myself that the daily routine can be like a lullaby and put you in a state where you think everything is just too crazy to play. I even have that with submissives that I am not in a love relationship or that I only have via Chat.
You always find a ‘problem’ why you don’t do something with your submissive – she is stressed out, she has her period, you don’t feel like it… on and on it goes.
Some submissive also have problems with that themselves and complain a lot when they are stressed and you as the Dominant want to do something…
It really depends on the submissive but some of my past submissives were even flat out childish and throw tantrums when I tried to play with them and they were still in their day to day mindset…
That said – after they gave in, they always loved it and felt a lot more relaxed.
It’s a tricky dynamic and if you add to that all the feelings and dynamics of a love relationship it can get very hard to do the “right thing”.
Also, there are some common traps for Dominants to fall into:
The worst is when my Dom tells me that he loves me so much that he can’t make me do what he want´s
The first impulse as a human being is to give your partner space when they are stressed out and as a Dominant, you try to give them that space with not punishing rule breaks, not pushing to the Limit or not to do intensive play. You try to make it easy on them… which is wrong [most of the time]!
To understand why this is wrong and why it is so Hard, you need a lot of empathy and a lot of knowledge about the Dominant and the Submissive mindset, but also about people in general – and even then it is not easy to know when to do what.
So let me try to unpack this…
You have to see this in a way as a Doctor Jekyll (Normal Self) and
The submissive mindset likes to be defeated but the Normal side will not give up control. Until they feel that Submissive side (and save to feel that way) they fight and they don’t pull any punches!
They also think at that moment that it is right to fight, after all, you demand play when they are stressed, when they feel vulnerable or when there are more important or better things to do – they feel reasonable to object and don’t believe you know better!
It´s not a conscious decision from the Submissive like “hey I just don’t do what he say´s…” – it’s her normal self, the one that goes to work, the one that needs to be strong to get her way, the one that you meet on the street – it’s her Normal side that other people see and not her Submissive side…
So she will complain and as your partner, she always knows which buttons to push. And she will push these buttons – no she isn’t dishonest or a bad human being. You would react the exact same way if the roles were reversed – she does what she thinks is right.
And here comes the trap for you as a Dominant and as a love partner: You think you have to decide between your love relationship and your D/s relationship…
You think, if you push her now, she will be disappointed, that you used your “power” over her to push her to play. And the irony is that all the way until she gives in and goes to her submissive side you feel like everything you do is counterproductive!
You want to make her feel better and give her a way to relax and release and every signal she gives you is telling you that you are not doing that!
The battle is in your mind…
It is really hard to see that this is the right way because as the Dominant you have to go against your instincts, the submissive has to go against her instincts as well and only after you both did all that you feel that it was the right choice [most of the time]!
The problem, however, is that people are usually pretty lazy and that means a lot of Dominants will not push because they feel its not bringing anything – and they especially don’t do anything because they think they harm their love relationship because of that trap (and believe me that’s a big one – I fall for that multiple time myself). – But it is doable and even something you should aspire to have for your relationship.
It’s a tricky thing but even with new submissives this is possible (it’s also way harder than with Submissives that had some years to grow and are more sure of themselves) and it is absolutely worth the energy you put into it.
Now you saw that I used a couple of times that phrase [most of the time] – and that’s the part where I fuck up my own whole encouragement here!
Its true you have to be strong and forceful in these situations and your submissive will fight and your submissive will give in and be very very happy after she did…
BUT there are a couple of snags here that will push you back in the big trap:
As always – where there is a rule, there are exceptions – you need to really KNOW your partner and KNOW if this is a time to push or not! You can’t push them to play in situations they are just clinging on a thread to reality. They will crash and afterward feel used and even responsible because they couldn’t give in to your demand or they will make you responsible for that feeling! – Both is not an ideal outcome and yes this can make a big dent in your relationship, especially with new or unsure Submissives.
Memory is a tricky thing and some people will remember the fight but not the happiness of giving in afterward – which means after some weeks they think you did push them to play because you wanted and they don’t see that they wanted it too and even needed it.
This can become a problem, especially with submissives that are not grown up and unsure of themselves because they think you are not caring for them.