I don’t know why but sometimes you have days that have a certain topic.
Yesterday was such a day, I got multiple questions about emotional distance in D/s relationships and I wanted to write down my perspective on this topic.
Let me prefix this by saying: I am poly and for me, that means I usually let my emotions free when I meet or play with somebody. That said, there are some restrictions but I come to that later…
One of the biggest questions yesterday was the essential question: Is emotional distance part of training a Submissive. The answer is pretty simple: It depends on your Dominant and I will try to shine some light why that is the case and why some Dominants choose to be emotionally distant.
As I mentioned before I let my emotions and feelings go where they lead, this is dangerous because it brings the capacity to get hurt and also that you change your behavior and resolve because as your feelings get stronger your view an how to treat your submissive changes.
Most Dominants have a big problem with caring or even loving a submissive and still living their Dominant side. That is because the more you care for the other person, the more you feel pushed and sometimes even obligated to give them a break when it comes to punishments and rules. A lot of people in the BDSM lifestyle even think that it is impossible to Love your partner and be a good Dominant at the same time.
I think this has also a lot to do with self-acceptance… and also with the fact that a lot of Dominants are more like “Service Doms” who in the end do what the submissive wants. (A topic which I will also write about in the future)
All this is a mix – especially in relationships… From that moment on when you care, most submissives get a little button they push to get their way and the irony is, neither the dominant nor the submissive likes that!
But the button is there and the Submissive will push it and that means you need to cope with that. As an experienced Dominant you know you need to push her so she can be happy – and as an experienced Submissive you know he pushes BECAUSE he cares!
That said – we are all not experienced Dominants or Submissives which brings a whole bunch of problems… What if your submissives start to use your feelings against you? What if you push her and she is guilt tripping you from that point on? – As somebody who was in that trap in multiple relationships, I tell you it is not fun!
And even when you explain the boundaries, most submissives still don’t get it – partly because they want you to push them down exactly why they try to guilt trip you and transgress these boundaries and they don’t want to feel they succeed.
Partly they also don’t really understand the feelings of a Dominant. Most Submissives don’t stay with us. Especially if you have online relationships or Long Distance Relationships. At some point, Submissives feel they learned enough and want “more” – and regardless of how much they insist they will not make additional demands – they will!
I never had a Submissive that had feelings for me which didn’t in my whole life!
The problem here is that you can’t control what your submissive feels, especially if she has issues with sharing these feelings and talking objectively about it.
So it is no wonder that a lot of Dominants opt out of these situations altogether and try to keep the submissive at a distance… and to be frank, I don’t judge them for it!
If you ‘don’t care’ (as in you don’t have too many feelings for her) for your submissive, you don’t mind not fulfilling her demands, you don’t feel bad about making her suffer and you can always get over her quickly when she moves on…
There were many times that I questioned my own way & style of doing it and if I didn’t have [C] I’m pretty sure I would have made my conclusion differently – to my own detriment.
Keeping your submissive at arm’s length emotionally makes things simpler and easier on the Dominant & Submissive side.
You can do with your Submissive as you feel is right and your Submissive is happy about the way you lead her. It makes the lines clear and it gives both a certain sense of stability.
It always keeps a certain power dynamic because you could walk away without getting scared.
You don’t have your feelings in it too much and that makes you better in what you do because one source of insecurity and fear is gone. It also lowers the demands of your submissive. You don’t need to share everything and therefore don’t over-share. You are not expected to do certain things and you’re submissive actually takes the things you do for her as something special instead of something they are owed. Be it the check-in before an important meeting or the preparation for a special test – If you love or even care for someone there is an expectation you sacrifice time and help.
And that works… until the Submissive or the Dominant falls in love…
As I said at the beginning of this post, I also have restrictions…
I go where my feelings lead me and that comes with a high price. My submissives get this shiny red button and they press it repeatedly and depending on who it is relentlessly. I care for the success of my Submissives in life as much I care about my own and I get hurt a lot whenever I part ways with a submissive…
That said I have one rule – even when I care a lot for a Submissive as I did for [MR] or [NG] (and of course for [C] ) – I don’t say the 3 magic words and I don’t let my submissive use them. Having feelings for somebody else is one thing, giving it a name is a completely other!
And yet I did one day throw that rule out of the window and said the 3 magic words because my submissive at that time was begging & pleading with me to do so. And I didn’t do it for her or because she would have left me (she wouldn’t have) – I did it because at the time I thought it was a good idea to follow my feelings… and how that ended you can read here in a way…
So I don’t know what is the right way to do it – I think it has a lot to do with the details and the people involved.
The only thing I know is that I would miss a big wonderful part in my life if I never have felt for my Submissives… but I would have spared myself a LOT of hurt, hardship, and pain…